What does it mean to be a man? Generation after generation, young boys turn into men. You hit a certain age and then you do something unreasonably hard. You come to face your mortality or so it goes. This is a question I have constantly asked myself throughout my life.
Growing up I have always been incredibly sensitive - which I still am. There was always a certain sense of distance and separation between me and my male peers. Why am I not like them? Why am I so weak, why am I so sensitive…
Let me tell you a story. Boys rough each other up sometimes, for the fun of it. Not quite fighting, more so play. Back then I rarely ever engaged with all that, I used to stick to myself and read.
One of those days I was walking towards my regular spot. One of my friends approached me, and the memory is honestly quite hazy. I might have been a victim… But from what I remember he jokingly pushed me and I hit the wall. I think it was after I had done a singing audition and he was congratulating me in a slightly aggressive manner.
What I do remember clear as day though, is that I got teary eyed because of it, I was probably already in a sour mood from the audition. I remember him being more shocked about it than I was. He left and we both acted like that never happened… It left a genuine impression on me, I am weird, I am sensitive… There is something wrong with me.
외유내강
Yes, I wrote the title in Korean. It's a really cool word, directly translated it means: Iron hand in a velvet glove. Someone who looks sophisticated, sensitive, somewhat weak yet their internal landscape is completely different. They are very strong, aggressive and confident. Hence iron hands in a velvet glove.
Why am I talking about this, well because if you are sharp you notice that the title is opposite of this. Well after I realized I was weak what did I do? Well the easiest way to a thing is mimicry, I heard advice like fake it till you make it. I ran with it, no nuance whatsoever.
The only thing it did was help create a lie so close to being true I almost fully believed it. The problem was, there was a tiny voice escaping through the cracks. You are not who you say you are. This is not real.
This was fear. Guttural fear, survival-esque fear. My sense of being was being threatened. Instead of exploring this whisper and facing the fear at the end of it. I always found some excuse to avoid it.
The problem with avoiding something like that is, it will come after you when you are weakest. Something that might be painful becomes doubly so, because now you try to maintain this weak sense of self while at the same time trying to deal with the situation.
What I realized faced with this reality of my weak self built on a lie. The only way is through.
The Path to Manhood
Is one paved by the self. You have to come to terms with your weakness and strive to be stronger. There are people who will tell you to do x, or y. But, unless you can come to your own conclusion on it, nothing will come of it. Endlessly seeking externally for something that is internal is what will keep you weak forever. It will keep you a boy forever.
There comes a time when you have to assert your existence, it seems like you should assert this when you are at the top. When everything is working for you. When life seems to be smiling at you. In fact I think it is when you are struggling the most you should do this, because at that point regardless of your external situation you will have this fire, this conviction that you can and will overcome any situation. The world tells you to not be confident, unless you have various external things that prove you should be confident. This is a lie.
It is when you can keep walking forwards despite whatever is happening on the outside. When the battle is a internal one and not an external one. Life does not suddenly become easy because you decide to be responsible, in fact it tends to become more difficult. Yet, in this responsibility there is manhood.
When you have the startling realization that running from your shadow is pointless, wherever you go it will go. Come to terms with it. The reason I brought up the Korean word 외유내강; is because it's a word that reflects this clearly, is not the appearances that matter. It's a matter of being, of internal belief and conviction. Which can only be achieved by courageously facing that which you don't know nor understand, and still moving forwards.
For today: "Not to assume it’s impossible because you find it hard. But to recognize that if it’s humanly possible, you can do it too." From Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
Ps: Bit short this week, focusing more on progressing the comic, and for the first time in a while it feels like it’s actually going somewhere, look forward to more news on it soon!