"You are who you hang out with" Wait, wait, wait don't punch your screen, I am aware this is a saying beaten to death with a shovel and then buried 10 feet under but, hear me out. I too have heard this saying one too many times, the logic made sense but the saying started getting on my nerves. Yes of course you will become more like the people you hang out with, duh! Then of course as so many people do, I just ignored it, my case is different! I thought. Obviously.

"I've realized at the age of 24, I have never thought for myself. How sad. I have lived a chameleons life, never showing my true colors. Always blending in and praying I will be liked."

Yikes, feels weird typing this here, I had this thought recently and it went into a folder of ideas relevant to me that I never show to people. (the notes on my phone) Imagine how I felt at that moment of realization, I had been doing as I had been told all 24 years of my life. I thought I was so much smarter than all my friends who also were slaves to things they weren’t consciously aware of.

We are all slaves to something. The problem is when you have not consciously chosen that something yourself, or when you don’t realize what you are a slave to. Here is a quote I adore from Persona 3: "It is indeed a precious gift to understand the force that guides oneself"

I had thought myself above being influenced, how could I be? I spent so much time thinking about what I wanted to want. About my general life direction and about what to do to reach my goals. Here’s the kicker: if you run away from one kind of influence and jump into the arms of another to avoid thinking for yourself. You still lose. YOU CANNOT wholesale export thinking to someone else, you can imitate and learn from them and ultimately make your own choices. Just be sure it is your own choices and not just another easy way out.

Being a people pleaser is a survival tactic, of course most people will like you more if you always say yes to them. People liking you is very good for survival (duh). Most people overall think being a people pleaser is a weakness, and in some regards it is. Yet, there are many benefits to caring what other people think of you. (go to any developed country in Asia and see for yourself how there are no trashcans and yet no trash) Putting the collective above the individual has a lot of benefits for a country, yet it also has a bunch of negatives for the individual. (suicide rates tend to be higher in these countries too)

That’s where the dilemma lies, put yourself first or put the collective first? In general I think if it is in your nature to care a lot about people that’s absolutely not a bad thing. The problem comes when this is a manipulation tactic to make people like you, when you hide your authentic self in fear of what the other party will think of you. This is blatant manipulation. How do you tell the difference? It’s really hard, especially when one has weaved a beautiful lie that has even oneself fooled.

“However good you get at lying to yourself, deep down you will still know”

Listen to the whisper, that one thought among 100 that tells you what your authentic self really feels. In general being authentic will make more people like you a lot but it will also make some people really dislike you. So how do you become less of a people pleaser, you may be asking?

Here is an interesting idea I originally got from my brother: when thinking about different important people in your life, everyone has a sphere of influence on you. Your mother wants you to be a doctor and the second you are in her presence you will act more like someone who is or wants to become a doctor. Or when you hang around that one very athletic friend who is mega obsessed with fitness and he starts planting ideas about running a marathon in your head.

This is normal and a pretty large part of what makes life so enjoyable. If what you want for yourself does not align with what others want for you however, that’s a really big problem. If we take the example of your mother who wants you to be a doctor vs the friend who makes you want to run a marathon. Each might be good on their own but if you don’t want to be a doctor or to run a marathon, issues will start popping up and you will move further away from being your ideal self.

A people pleaser will instantly fold to the outside pressure. The friend who studies pharmacy because it’s a field his mother would accept and just goes through life numb and bored but barely comfortable enough to do nothing about it. Then he is in the last year and studies get too hard. This is when he first starts genuinely thinking about what he wants for himself. Ouch…

Honestly even the more hardy types will be impacted by those they hang the most with and even if you did not, you would lose out on the massive potential of good influence. If you wanted to run a marathon, a fitness freak would be a really great boon to your life.

Alright, I have extensively described the problem, what the fuck can one do to not be a slave to what other people want for you?

Even if you do think for yourself, unless you zoom out and look at the influence others have on your life and evaluate whether it is leading you in a direction you want or not. You are still not thinking for yourself. The worst thing you can do is be passive about it, this has to be really proactive. You have to probe the world for answers. If you don’t you will be influenced for better or worse.

If you do the exact same things over and over, don’t be surprised if you get the same you have always been getting. Life is ever evolving, to not move is the same as moving backwards.

The easiest way to regain control over your life is to distance yourself from all the people that influence you until you can develop your own sphere of influence. An easy trap to fall into here is to just happen upon new influences without thinking it over. This will just create new shackles for you. If you don’t consciously think about it, nothing will change. The ideal life is one in which you never really stop growing, one in which you never become the old out of touch person who complains about the young’uns: Back in my day we watched Bakugan and played outside!! These young’uns really need some grass…

That’s why one should become The Autonomously Evolving Self, how? By thinking, by moving and by acting on ideas generated by the self. Being comfortable is not a bad thing necessarily, but when life has been stale for a while, change it up. Do something new. Venture into the unknown. You know there is a problem if you can look back a whole year and you have nothing to cringe at. (this means you have been stagnating and it should scare you) I will go more in depth on “the autonomously evolving self” in another post, but for now: take the actions that will lead you closer to your ideal self. Now, like legit right now. Don’t wait.

In the end we are all slaves to something, accepting it is the first step. The second step is carefully choosing your master. I was a slave to peoples idea of me and yet I never realized, the mind is a bit tricky like that.

I will start doing as Seneca did in his letters and pay my dues to you who spent the time reading this: "The silent whisper within ones heart tells the most profound truth" (Another Persona 3 quote, seriously play this game, it’s great!)

That’s all for this week! I am travelling, drinking copious amounts of caffeine and constantly on the go so I am sorry if my ideas are a bit scrambled.

Suhayb, Neunetic 🤖🤖

Ps: Any feedback is greatly appreciated! My writing still kinda sucks but I am looking to improve, so if you could take a few minutes out of your day to give me some feedback that would be nice!

Pss: I am too influencing you (hopefully in a good way!) and I will be the first to say I know squat all about jack shit, I just like writing and thinking and hopefully that somewhat qualifies me to share my ideas. I am just another so called “free thinker” so think for yourself!!!