Confidence is a Choice

I choose doubt over and over again, a reality with doubt was much more bearable than the alternative. You never have to risk anything. Never have to make anything. Why go through the trouble of disproving your own skill and your worth that is so deeply intertwined with how others think of you?

I remember as a kid mustering up the courage to sing in front of the class. Before doing so, you had to go through an audition (luckily). The song I wanted to perform was Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. I went home, memorized the lyrics and started practicing singing the song comfortably. The day came to perform and I had this immense anxiety. Even then I somehow managed to sing the song without forgetting the lyrics. There was a catch though… I had scarcely worked hard enough on my actual singing skill, nor had I asked anyone for feedback, because that was too scary. Even then, I was let down nicely and told I was a bit monotone and to keep practicing and come back stronger for the next one! It’s here I made my choice.

Yes, I failed. What the failure meant though, that was my choice to do with as I pleased. For some, this would be the deciding moment that makes them resolve to grow stronger. Not for me. I have never sung since that day. I am at peace with it now, but who knows how many enjoyable experiences disappeared in just that instant? Of course I am more comfortable with it now but, there was an entire decade where I did not dare to sing because of that experience. My choice was self affirming, what you don’t do you will get worse at. The worse you get at it, the less you want to do it.

You don’t lack confidence because you were told your singing was monotone, you don’t lack confidence because girls keep rejecting you. Nor is it because you are ugly. You lack confidence because you made your choice. By asserting that it is the world who is at fault, you remove your power and that power is really hard to gain back when you first lose it.

When you think the world is at fault, you approach it in a very negative manner that makes exactly what you fear become true. It’s the BPS (black pill syndrome), their beliefs regarding their attractiveness is the exact thing that repels any sane person away from them. And why wouldn’t it? Nobody wants to hang out with someone who keeps dragging the mood down because they despise themselves. Obviously attractiveness matters, but you have what you have and giving it any more power than that will make life way more difficult.

Obviously confidence is attractive, why the hell would anyone choose to not be confident? That seems hella stupid, no? Of course it does. Until you dig a little deeper. What is it that a lack of confidence prevents? It prevents coming to term with the realities of life, that you are not guaranteed anyone’s admiration, love or respect. This is immensely scary. Imagine you are 100% confident in yourself and still not a single person accepts you as you are. That thought alone could scare even the most experienced seafaring sailors to the core of their bones. The problem with that thought pattern though, is… that by the time you make your choice to be confident, this will not matter and that fear will most likely never come to pass. The only thing you can do is to accept that fear and move forward despite it. So be it if nobody likes you.

Using myself as an example, I had given the power of truth to someone else. I’d created a circular pattern—chain-like in its weight and structure. These chains, imaginary as they were, felt very real to me, holding me back from reclaiming my own power. By placing it with another person, I had forsaken my own. What the hell do I mean?

Firstly, I decided that for the betterment of the opposing party that I would not tell the truth, in essence my message to the other party was: “I will take the choices regarding how you view me, myself. Because it is in your best interest to keep liking me!” This is insanely manipulative. My innermost whispers knew this was wrong, but the fear I had over the reaction of the other party was so high, I kept deluding myself that I was doing the right thing. That my case was somehow special and that I should keep bearing this burden for me and the other party…

Secondly, this locked the truth away safely with the other person. It was in their power, if they really wanted to know the truth they would learn it on their own… This way of doing things created a eternal loop. Whenever I wanted to take my real confidence back, this big scary lie I had built up stopped me right in my tracks and I whimpered like a hurt animal. Running as far away from the scary lie as I could. This lie was very unpleasant to me so I found a coping method. What if instead of facing the truth, I string a lie so potent it would make me forget the lie existed in the first place!

Thirdly, the only thing I achieved with this was a confidence built on a lie. As often happens with this type of confidence, it falls apart when sufficiently challenged. A single magnitude 3.0 earthquake can wipe out the entire structure. And it did… During my trip to Korea and Japan it all came crashing down. I realized that my entire being was built on a lie. The lie that had once protected me became my worst opponent. How could I be who I said I was if that lie still existed?

In my case, however scary it was, I had to face this structural lie that was at the core of my being. Otherwise I would never become free. Courage is essential for this. Despite the immense fear you feel at the situation you have to face, you have to go ahead and do it. I have been playing Dragon Quest 11 recently, in it we meet a character that showcased the essence of the struggle I had been going through… Spoilers ahead if you want to play the game:

In the game you enter a kingdom called Gallopolis, in this kingdom there is a brave, beautiful and strong prince. Or so it seems. When you meet this prince the image you have of him initially, completely disappears when he begs you to race for him in the annual horse race that happens at Gallopolis. A race which he had managed to avoid until his 16th year due to his evident lack of skill and practice. There is a great expectation for the prince to perform during his 16th birthday and he cannot avoid it any longer.

Yet the cunning prince successfully manages to hide his complete lack of skill, and because of “his” triumph in the race his fathers confidence in him reaches even further. He ends up asking Faris to defeat a monster that many strong and brave warriors had faced and never came back from. The Slayer of the Sands. He yet again begs the main character (Hero) to help him and again the prince gets away with another lie. He comes back to the village triumphantly and as a hero among heroes, the legendary prince Faris! Our heroes leave him (except for Sylvando who stays behind), the Slayer of the Sands once defeated, rises again and attacks Faris…

The king and the subjects of Gallopolis cheer on their brave prince. But… Faris just shakes in fear, the lies had caught up to him. In this moment of the highest tension, most likely only death faced our young and brave prince. In his typical flashy fashion, Sylvia suddenly shows up and tells Faris: "A knight’s word is his bond. You made a promise to protect your kingdom. You're going to stand by it, or die trying!" These words, while encouraging and really inspiring, are not the reason Faris finally becomes confident and fights back. It is because of one single thing.

He makes the choice to be confident.

As is my due: "On the other side of the things we fear the most are the things we want"